Courtesy Books
The
sheer number of “Courtesy Books” in print during Jane Austen’s time illustrates
how important etiquette and proper manners were to society. Written by both men and women, these books
existed primarily to instruct young girls in “natural” and “proper” behavior for
a woman. Focus was shifting, however,
from external to internal: manners were based upon good intentions and polite
thoughts, not only fashionable
appearances. In fact, it was sometimes
permissible for rules of etiquette to be broken if the motives behind the actions
were based on good intentions (Austen’s heroines often break the mold of
convention to do the right thing).
This sampling of
Courtesy Book instructions will set you on the path to proper behavior:
For The Lady
1. Under no circumstances may a lady
call upon a gentleman alone unless she is consulting that gentleman on a
professional or business matter.
2. A lady does not wear pearls or diamonds
in the morning.
3. A lady never dances more than three
dances with the same partner.
4. If unmarried and under thirty, she
is never to be seen in the company of a man without a chaperone. Except for a
walk to church or a park in the early morning, she may not walk alone, but
should always be accompanied by another lady, a man, or a servant. (Note: this rule may have been modified or become
more lax later in the century, as Austen's women are often seen walking alone.)
5. A lady should never "cut"
someone, that is to say, fail to acknowledge their
presence after encountering them socially, unless it is absolutely necessary. By the same token, only a lady is ever truly
justified in cutting someone.
For The Gentleman
1. In riding horseback or walking
along the street, the lady always has the wall.
2. Meeting a lady in the street whom
you know only slightly, you wait for her acknowledging bow - then and only then
may you tip your hat to her, which is done using the hand farthest away from
her to raise the hat. You do not speak
to her - or to any other lady - unless she speaks to you first.
3. If you meet a lady who is a good
friend and who signifies that she wishes to talk to you, you turn and walk with
her if you wish to converse. It is not
"done" to make a lady stand talking in the street.
4. In going up a flight of stairs, you
precede the lady (running, according to one authority); in going down, you
follow.
5. In a carriage, a gentleman takes
the seat facing backward. If he is alone in a carriage with a lady, he does not
sit next to her unless he is her husband, brother, father, or son. He alights from the carriage first so that he
may hand her down. He takes care not to
step on her dress.
7. A gentleman is always introduced to
a lady - never the other way around. It is presumed to be an honor for the
gentleman to meet her. Likewise a social
inferior is always introduced to a superior.
8. A gentleman never smokes in the
presence of ladies.
On Education:
“Thrust
not after prohibited knowledge; for happier is she who knoweth
a little, than she who is acquainted with too much.”
“Dancing
and the knowledge of the French tongue are now so universal that they cannot be
dispensed with in the education of a gentlewoman.”
“The
mistakes among us, in the education of our children, are,
that in our girls we take care of their persons, and neglect their minds; and
in our boys, we adorn their minds and neglect their persons.”
“Learn
the economy of a wife from thy mother; so shalt thou
carry it into life, and be the comfort of thy future husband.”
On Leisure:
“Novels
and Romances, very few of them, are worth the trouble of reading; some of them
perhaps contain a few good morals, but they are not worth the finding where so
much rubbish is intermixed.”
“Reading,
whether apart or in common, will furnish useful and pleasing subjects; and the
sprightliness of youth will naturally inspire harmless mirth and native humour.”
“So
much dancing as belongs to good behavior and handsome carriage is very useful,
if not necessary.”
“If
you wish to preserve your character (and what is a young lady without
character?) let your dancing be in private companies.”
“You
ought to be on your guard as to Amusements and Diversions which, if too much
indulged, will take you off from your main Pursuit.”
“To
play occasionally at cards, for your own amusement, or that of your company…is
harmless.”
On Social Interaction:
“Generally,
the Back-Biter is a Flatterer to your Face; which proceeds from a Baseness of
Spirit and want of Courage.”
“Discover
not the Secrets of a Friend, it argues a rotten Heart and a shallow
Understanding; he that is not constant in preserving what is committed to him,
cannot be a Friend.”
“Keep
your secrets to yourselves.”
“Every
man ought to abstain from immoderate Laughter.”
“A
young Lady ought to beware the Reputation of being Witty, for fear of the
Invitation it may give her of Intriguing and turning Critick.”
“Be
careful never to laugh at your own wit and humour.”
On Self:
“View
her humble and familiar Carriage!
Observe how prudent, modest, and mannerly her Behavior is.”
“Happiness
is Vain and Dangerous, except that only which proceeds
from a Sense of Modesty, Obedience, Humility, and such like Virtue.”
“Pride
and vanity, the vices opposite to humility, are the sources of almost all the
worst faults, both of men and women.”
“Be
cautious lest thou sully the whiteness of innocence…Let not curiosity mislead
thee; for curiosity is unseemly in a woman, but in a virgin, dangerous as the
breath of evil.”
“Time
is invaluable its Loss irretrievable! the Remembrance of having made an ill Use of it must be one
of the sharpest tortures to those who are on the Brink of Eternity!”
“Politeness
lies not in particular actions nor in manners, but in
the state of mind that underlies those actions.”
Courtesy Quotes
collected from:
Bland, James. An Essay in
Praise of Women, 1733
Jones, Erasmus. The Man of
Manners, 1735
Kenrick, William. The Whole Duty of a Woman, 1753
Pool, Daniel. What Jane
Austen Ate and Charles Dickens Knew, 1994
Trusler, Lionel. Principles of Politeness and a Knowing the World, 1776